Place in This World

Michael W. Smith - Place In This World (youtube.com)

Driving to work the other day and for some reason Michael W. Smith pops into my head. I'm not particularly a fan of his, I honestly don't like most of his stuff from about the early 2000's until now. So I thought about an album I had listened to back in the late 80's, early 90's and turned it on. The first couple of songs were kinda nostalgic. I remembered them, sang along... very 80's like.

Then "Place in This World " came on in all of its 80's glory. PLEASE LISTEN TO IT ABOVE! The keyboard....oh how I miss keyboard in today's music, transported me to my first (and only) apartment in Louisville full of beer cans, pizza (and only pizza) in the fridge, nasty ashtrays, tv on a cardboard box, mattress on the floor and a kickin stereo. I didn't have enough money to have any furniture......or food apparently. But I paid my rent and....well i paid my rent (that's all I got). You see, I thought if my parents were going to make me pay rent if I lived at home, then I would rather pay rent somewhere else and have some freedom.

My place became the party place. I could blare my kickin stereo with Metallica, Firehouse, Hansen, Winger, Night Ranger.....and drink whatever beer people brought! And the next day I would spend the day cleaning up, blaring that same stereo with some Michael W. Smith! I guess out of guilt? Ya know, party girl at night, good Christian girl in the (late) morning? This song was my favorite on the album, although as an adult I had forgotten all about it until I heard it on my way to work.

A little Dawn history: I was raised in a Very Catholic home. Yes, there are Catholic homes and Very Catholic homes. Mine was the latter. Our home calendar revolved around the church calendar. We celebrated obscure saints' days, we went to church Mass for every obligatory reason and some not so obligatory. I don't resent this, it has shaped me into who I am. Through a roundabout, back asswards, turn in my life, I realized that my parents and the Church were trying to teach me about a relationship with God, which of course is life changing. Gratefulness is not a great enough word to express how much I feel, knowing "whose" I am and what my end game is.

So, in the course of this Catholic/Christian home, my brother and mother introduced the home to Contemporary Christian music which was new to the time when I was a teen. Easily I became a fan, because I love music and this type of music made me FEEL.

Back to the now......I'm driving to work, remembering 18 year old me in my apartment and CRYING for her. OMG, I had become that psycho that thinks deep and cries for her younger self! Why was it my favorite back in my teen years? Because I was lost AF, that's why?

But what's more is I just went through that lost, hopelessness again just 3 months ago. Driving home from Louisville 2 days after my niece, Danielle, died I rode (thank the LORD Tom did not let me drive) and screamed at God! I could not comprehend what we are actually on this earth for! Did God just sit wherever God sits and pull strings like a puppeteer making us do whatever he feels like? Like seriously, there are no answers as to why she had to die at that time. If this is not our home (earth), WHY ARE WE HERE???? What is my place in this world?! Show me! Tell me!

I'm a bit more at peace now. I still don't know WHY I'm here. Death doesn't scare me, I'm ready to go home whenever God decides. That doesn't mean I don't love my family, it's means I know as wonderful as they are, there is something even better waiting. Maybe because that's what I was taught., or maybe, just maybe, God really is real. And he formed us and knew when we would rejoin him before we were even born.

But Why? Why do we have to go through so much pain on earth? That will be my second question in heaven right behind "Why can't men aim?".