Desperate

Driving to work this morning I hear on the radio that they were asking teachers to call in with their a favorite memory of a student. Listening to the teachers talk about their students with so much love in their voices...made me choke up. This is my first year in 25 years that I haven't had to get a child ready for the first day of school. Sure, my life has gotten way less hectic regarding children and all the time consuming tasks that come with them, but there is something so final about not having any more First Day pictures that they never wanted to take. The end of an era.

I was not prepared for how emotional I would be. Probably because I'm a pretty stoic person. I don't like people feeling sorry for me, so my emotions are usually stuffed down so far....that would explain my weight gain over the years. 😁. For me it's easier to not emote than have to explain my emotions to anyone. I don’t know, I'm screwed up, what can I say?

But since Alex has left for Bootcamp and I am no longer mom of "children" but now mom of adults, my emotions have been un-shovedeepable...yeah I made that up.

Did I cry at Doug's Bootcamp Graduation? Nope. Alan's Bootcamp Graduation? Nope. Alex's Bootcamp Graduation? Well let's just say I'm already crying while watching videos of OTHER people graduating week by week from Great Lakes, so yeah...pretty sure I'll be a mess next week. And I hate it. I hate the thought of it. I hate appearing weak (yes I see it as a personal weakness; I do not feel this way about others). I hate that others may figure out how I REALLY feel. Proud! But lost.

I have tears when I go downstairs to the basement and still see Alex's things in his room, knowing he's not coming back. I cry when I think about how different the holidays will be from this point forward. I cry thinking about him not being a child any more. I cry when I look at pictures of the kids. I cry in car, in bed, sitting alone in the house. I'm truly not sad. I'm so proud of each of my kids and what they are doing in life! I cry for me, I guess, and then I get frustrated with myself because I'm weak. Oh my lord, I need a hobby!

I've become the mom who is depicted in movies/TV. You know that one who every time she sees her child she really pictures them as toddlers with big bright hopeful eyes handing you a flower because you’re their favorite person! Or the unsure tweens venturing into the middle school world needing support and guidance. Or even the know it all teenagers who are always smarter than me and like to tell me about it.

I've become the mom of memories.

An old sap.

That just made me smile and get tears in my eyes. Where does time go?

These past few weeks the song Desperate by Jamie McDonald has been stuck in my head

Listen here: https://youtu.be/G2zI1GbWqeg?si=b8hjUtkkf6jzfvmn So many changes and uncertainties right now. I know how lucky I am. I have a loving husband, dedicated children and spouses, beautiful grandchildren, a job I’m happy at…..and yet I just feel out of sorts all of the time. What is next? Where do I fit in? What is my place now?

I feel my heart screaming every time I hear these lyrics:

I'm at the end of myself and I'm

Tired, I've tried all that I know to do

Right now it's just by a thread but I'm

I'm hanging on to You

I'm running out of hope

I need a miracle

And if I ever needed You, it's right now

Oh, God, I'm desperate

Down on my knees

Send help from heaven

'Cause that's what I need

Redeem this wreckage

Restore my peace

I'm not asking, I'm begging

Lord, come through for me

I need heaven and I'm

Desperate

So for the 10 (maybe) people that read my blog, I’ve made myself vulnerable by telling you this. My worst nightmare…

So don’t fuck with me. I’ll come at you. You know I will.