My Life

It always amazes me what people I have just met will tell me about their lives. I’m a pretty private person so I guess I don’t understand the motivation to share with others. Trust me, there is always motivation behind what you say. Maybe you’re sharing in an effort to help someone. Or maybe you’re looking for someone to validate how you feel. Maybe you need attention or sympathy. Trust me, there’s always motivation. Which is why I don’t talk a lot. After I’ve rolled through what I’m about to say in my head to determine why I’m about to say it, what I will gain from it and how it will be perceived by anyone listening..I usually just say fuck it, it isn’t worth it..and don’t say what im thinking. Unless you’re a rare friend of mine, you’re not going to get much but humor out of me. I’m pretty damned funny.

So I go back to my first sentence. It amazes me what people I have just met will tell me. A patient’s husband decided he was going to park at my desk the other day and he proceeded to tell me about a family that he and his wife help out. Apparently a single mom has 3 children by different fathers and wasn’t able to provide well for her now grown children. He told me about how the children turned out pretty well, much to his dismay. In doing so, he said something to the effect that the mom doesn’t have her life together like he felt like I do. Did I mention this man doesn’t even know my name? I said something like “I don’t know about that”. And he followed with, “well I can tell you’re a good person. You wouldn’t have a job doing something like this if you weren’t.”

Ok….FIRST….my piddly ass job would not have covered the raising of 3 children. SECOND….you don’t know me! And if you did, you would be judging me just like you’re judging this other woman.

If you knew that I was as promiscuous as this other woman was but by the grace of God did not get pregnant, or that I stole car stereos from my employer, or that I smashed car windows to steal items out of cars to pawn for money to buy alcohol, or that I was close friends with a ring of thieves, that I had a warrant out for my arrest, that I skipped out on my lease to drive to Florida to marry my boyfriend, that I later tore up my family by cheating on my husband…….

Moral of the story…..YOU DONT KNOW ME!. You see what you want to see. Everyone does.

I’m not proud of any of these things but I’m positive I would have done them all over again if I had the chance to redo life. It’s who I am. I like to push the envelope and see what I can get away with. With age, I’ve leaned to curb that urge, but trust me it’s still there. Does this make me a good or a bad person? I can assure you that the man in my office doesn’t know the answer to that just as I don’t know.

*(Insert Saigon Kick’s My Life https://youtu.be/sjFOYdzoD7A?si=rS10RMUctKd07keg

This WHOLE album takes me back to the beginning of my “fuck up days” of my life….this album is still a guilty pleasure that I listen to when I need to feel a certain way)*

I’m ranting…it’s been on my mind for days.

I’m probably not in the right frame of mind right now….I’m just trying to make it through this tough time. But I do have some definite thoughts on people that I don’t think are driven by my negativity right now.

I don’t need people. If I want to be your friend, you’ll know it. I’m observant. I listen. I don’t interject anything meaningful. Why? Because I’ve been burned by too many people. Because in general no one really cares what I think. Because I don’t express what I’m thinking well. Because people use people. Because “friends” aren’t always friends. Because people disappoint.

But I also believe in people. And the goodness of God. And the goodness that God put in each of us.

See…..I’m not all bad.