Burn MF

Don’t Call it a Comeback!

Depression is a real thing. I don’t have it all the time, I suppose it’s situational. I was on antidepressants for years, when raising my most of my children. And there is nothing wrong with that, I needed it. But a few years ago I realized that was not “feeling” anything. Not really the effect of medications I was looking for. So at the discouragement of my PCP, I weaned off of them. I will never forget him saying that 90% of people who stop them fail. WELL HELL! If the dude knew me at all (and maybe he did) that’s all I needed to hear. Challenge accepted. I will not be a statistic…..well I guess I AM a statistic, just for the 10%, but whatever. I will beat the odds, don’t tell me I’m going to fail. Fuck you.

So, I did it the right way and weaned off the medication. And noticed a huge difference. I “feel” again. I may not express those feelings/emotions, but I do feel them.

Including depression. I feel it. Not all of the time, but it does rear up from time to time. First I notice that I don’t really give a shit about what’s going on around me; I’m just going through the motions of the day to get through it. Then I notice how quiet I have become….which is hard to notice sometimes because outside of my circle I’m a pretty quiet person anyway. Then I start dreading the days, not seeing the point of them. I start to go numb, not letting any feelings in. Then I start blaring music like this

https://youtu.be/kLumLALNG7M?si=-9anTRp7lIa8Mg6f

I think it’s because I literally feel the music….the pounding of it….don't let the profanity scare you off.

I saw this quote years ago on the internet and saved it…

“It feels like you’re swimming and the sun is shining and you’re having a great time, until a wave comes and sucks you under into the darkness of the water. No matter how hard you try to reach the surface again a new wave comes and hits you back under again, and again, and again.

And then it just stops.

But you never know when the next wave is going to come. You never know when you’re going to be sucked back under.”

This can go on for days/weeks if I let it. I feel the reason it “just stops” is because I make it stop. So basically it’s a choice, maybe a challenge to myself even…and I will always come out on top when challenged. I can succumb to the depressive feelings, or make a conscious decision to tell them to fuck off, that’s not how I want to spend my life.

I understand not everyone can do this. And I guess I’m lucky this is my personality.

Life is HARD right now. Caregiver of a cancer patient is harder than I imagined. Not only are you trying to stay above water, but you’re trying to keep them afloat as well. It’s a lot of weight. Like A LOT. Nothing is normal. You can’t even see normal on the horizon. You wonder if this IS your new normal. You wonder if you’re up for that challenge (duh, of course I am).

Sooooo……

Don’t call it a comeback…..bonus song https://youtu.be/s87ToUxZY-Q?si=qqIDZzb3cfKbPL_x

Five Finger Death Punch style